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I Drank The Kool-Aid And I Liked It

For most of my late teens and 20’s I was in two different long term relationships.  I went from living at home to living with a boyfriend.  This particular boyfriend was very good to me at first, taking care of everything.  I worked but it was in an endless string of dead end jobs.  Never earning a lot of money and getting bored and restless very quickly, I moved around a lot.  After that relationship ended I moved in with some friends who helped me out for about a year after which I moved in with my new boyfriend.  Once again, he took care of me until I could get on my feet.  We were together for about four years before we broke up and I was left wondering what to do with myself.

Soon after I left California where I was living to move in with my mother and sister in the State they were currently living in.  I had finally decided to get myself together once and for all and stop relying on everybody else, and I did.  I got a job, bought a home and went back to college to get the degree I had failed to get so many years before.  I was doing well, finally 100% taking care of myself and it felt great.  Things were getting better and better in my life, the only thing that was missing was a man.  And only because it had been over a year since I had been on a date and I was craving some male companionship.  And that truly was all I wanted.  I was not looking for a husband, not looking to start a family, not looking to live with anybody, I just wanted to go out and enjoy the company of the opposite sex with hopefully a little romance thrown in at some point.  Instead I got everything I did not want, or so I thought.

I began dating my now ex and within six months I was pregnant.  He wanted to get married, I did not.  He wanted me to sell my home and move in with him, I did not.  Eventually I got talked into selling my home and moved in with him.  I got talked into leaving my job to stay home with the baby and eventually a second.  The next thing I know I am married with two kids and I am officially a stay at home mom.  We had a nice home, went on great vacations, I had the freedom to work a little or not at all, go to the gym, go to the spa, whatever made me happy.  AND I LOVED IT.  I never wanted it, never asked for it, never even knew I could have all of this, yet there I was drinking it in and enjoying every minute of it.

I continued to work off and on part-time staying in my job in family law, all along watching our female clients come into our office totally devastated that their husbands had left them and they had no clue what to do.  He had taken care of them, worked and brought home the paycheck while they took care of the kids and enjoyed the vacations, spa… you see where I’m going with this.  In a million years I never thought that would be me.  My marriage was good and besides I was too smart to fall into that trap, I did this for a living.  Yet I did.

So here I sit, a few years out, finding myself trying to recreate the life I once had, longing for the days of freedom and spas, nice vacations and a partner to help out with the daily grind.  I miss it, I was lulled into a life of luxury and then rudely awakened by the bitterness of divorce and single parenthood.  And now I must somehow start all over again, find my way back to a place that I was comfortable in before I took this detour, but this time I will do it with kids in tow.  It will be me taking care of somebody else, me wrapping the security blanket around my kids, and me making the Kool-Aid for all of us.

Although it has been difficult finding full-time work after almost 15 years of an irregular work schedule and trying to work everything around my obligations to my children, I look forward to the challenge and know that the Kool-Aid will taste that much sweeter when I make it myself.

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