The other night I was out with a friend, having an o.k. time. Honestly it was just another Saturday night sitting in a bar having drinks, watching football and men. I wasn’t having a horrible time but I have been doing this same thing with my girlfriend for a long time now, with the same results – nothing. Frankly I am getting quite bored of the whole thing and would prefer to spend my Saturday nights at home being ignored by my kids then getting dressed up, driving to some random bar, spending money on way too expensive drinks and crappy bar food and getting hit on by 29 year old dudes looking for a lay.
However, I have been contemplating for quite some time why I can’t seem to attract anyone my own age. What is it about me that men are looking at me and saying “yeah, I don’t think so”. I’m not exactly barking ugly, no unibrow or hump on my back, although even those women seem to have more luck then me. Then someone said something to me the other night – they said I looked really angry. What? I was kind of shocked to hear that. I asked someone else if they thought the same thing and they agreed. I didn’t feel angry. When I asked my kids, they said yeah, you look mad, unhappy and generally unapproachable. I had no idea. They said sometimes they didn’t want to talk to me because they thought I was in a bad mood and were afraid to say anything to me.
To be honest going through a divorce doesn’t exactly make you a happy person. Even though mine has been fairly uneventful and is very close to being done, I can definitely say I am mad, sad, lonely, bored, and unhappy a lot. Some of it has to do with my divorce and some of it has to do with the stress of being a solo parent and some of it is just the loneliness you experience going from being a couple to a solo. I am feeling all of these things but I had no idea it was so obviously showing as if I were walking around with my skirt tucked into my hose with no underwear. I feel so exposed.
But it finally answers my question of why men don’t approach me. If I look like I will stab you with a fork if you come anywhere near me then I’m guessing they probably won’t. So in order to turn things around and get that “happy” approachable look back I am going to use a technique we have all heard of and probably used and one that I most recently told my daughter to use at her first debate – fake it til you make it. All those feelings I have will never go away until I get my shit together and find my happy place again. Time to move on. Divorce is a sucky thing and it really goes along way in deflating any self-confidence you ever had and making you question yourself and your choices. And while those feelings won’t go away immediately I am at the very least going to pull my skirt out of my ass and put on a happy face and at least give the outward appearance that I am open to whatever while I am screaming on the inside.
If anybody out there is like me, wondering what the hell? Look in the mirror, do you look warm and inviting like a piping hot brownie with melting ice cream on top dripping in warm chocolate sauce and people lined up around the block for one little dspoonful, or are you creamed spinach, not very inviting to look at but good for you, and can also be quite tasty but most people can’t get past the presentation and the smell to find out whether or not they like it. I am spinach hoping to blossom into a brownie. I just need some chocolate.
Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.
– Helen Keller