A few days ago I turned 50. It is quite sobering when you find yourself a half century old knowing that you have now lived over half of your life. I must say I wasn’t really looking forward to it and it still stings a bit. Looking at myself in the mirror knowing what I have put my body through over these 50 years, there have been a few instances where I cheated death, literally,and I can’t believe I am still kicking around. Staring at my wrinkles, dealing with all of the aches and pains, popping knees, bad eye sight and on and on. The one place I never thought I would find myself at this age is single, and in particular a solo parent. I have been working in family law for almost 20 years. I thought I had it all figured out, I was too smart to ever be on the other side of my job. But just as my body goes through change so has my life. What I had not planned for were things that were completely out of my control.
As I have gone through the process, filing all of the documents, doing all of the financial paperwork, preparing my Separation Agreement and then waiting for almost a year to get before a Judge, it has all finally come to a head. This has just made it all the more difficult to accept that I am now 50 and alone. It was hard enough trying to date in my 20’s and early 30’s but 50? I don’t even know where to begin. Not to mention the fact that I have come to the hard realization that there is literally no one any more who has my back. That scares me.
During my 16 years of marriage not always, but for the most part, I always had my husband as my go to when I needed something. Whether it was something with the kids, errands that needed to be run, things that needed fixing around the house or just the lawn that needed to be mowed. I can do all of these things, but it sure was nice to have someone to share these duties with. To have someone to be there when I couldn’t, to have someone just to talk to in bed at night and of course the intimacy we shared. I am trying to find my way through the maze of financial decisions that need to be made, do I keep my house or sell it. Do I invest the little bit of money I have or set it aside for a rainy day, will I have enough money to take care of myself when the time comes – I had always been counting on having my husband’s income and the retirement money we were saving together.
So now here I am having to start all over again at 50. I don’t know why I just cannot seem to move beyond this number. Although that is exactly what it is – a number. I don’t feel it, I have been told I don’t look it, and for the most part I don’t act it – whatever that entails. But being alone is just making it all the harder. Maybe I am dwelling on this too much, but I would be lying if I didn’t say I was scared of what lie ahead. But I think no matter what age you are divorce is always scary, no one can predict the future, all we can do is accept the cards we are dealt and try to make the best hand possible out of it, and if we are lucky it just might be a royal flush.