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9 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Was Married

 

1. That it Could End.

Maybe I would have worked harder to keep it together if I knew that this was a possibility.  No one goes into their marriage thinking that it will end someday, we all want the fairytale ending but we’re not always willing to work for it.  We forget to feed, water and nurture it and when it starts to die we think we can just throw a little water on it and it will come back to life, sometimes its just too late and water isn’t enough. I never thought it would be me.

2It’s Good to Fight

I always thought I had a great marriage because we never fought, how wrong I was, it was actually just the opposite.  We didn’t fight because we didn’t like confrontation. Whenever we had issues instead of confronting each other and trying to work them out we would go silent, not talk to each other and be mad for days, eventually we would forget about it and move on. Although we really never did, things just kept piling up until we were buried under our problems and couldn’t dig our way out.  At least if we were fighting we were communicating.

3. Not to Expect the Other Person to Take Care of Me

“Expect” is the key word here.  I just assumed that since we were married it was his job to take care of me, it was my job to take care of the kids.  I forgot about him.  I forgot that he needed to be cared for too.  I thought as long as I was taking care of the kids, the house and cooking dinner every night it was all good, I forgot about him.  I expected him to go to work everyday, come home, help with the kids, take care of my needs, whatever that entailed and then get up and do it all over again the next day.  When he didn’t meet my expectations I got upset.  I think it is important to take care of ourselves and each other, but don’t expect anything or you will be disappointed.

4. Your Personalities Will Evolve and Change

You just can’t have the same mindset as you did when you were single, that just wouldn’t work.  You are now Mr. and Mrs. somebody and quite possibly mom and dad, your personality will reflect that just as it did when you were single dude.  They may not be the same person you knew before marriage but they might be so much better, showing parts if their personality neither of you knew existed, but they also might be so much worse, showing parts of their personality…

5. There is No More “My” Money and “Your” Money, It Is “Our” Money

I believe being on the same page financially is crucial to the success of your marriage. Make sure you have a financial talk even if you think you already know everything.  If one person is a spender and one person is a saver there are sure to be many arguments. If your marriage ends and the other person has run up significant bills you are on the hook for them whether they have been court ordered to pay them or not.  If they don’t pay them the finance company doesn’t care what court orders you have, all they know is that your name is or was associated with this account and they will go after you for payment.  Your credit can be ruined even after your divorce if an ex does not pay their debts whether marital or not.  It may be awkward to ask for but seeing the other person’s credit score before the I do’s isn’t a bad idea.

6. You’re In-Laws May Be Total Pieces of Crap But Don’t Expect Your Spouse to Defend You

When it comes to in-laws some are good, some not so much. But if you think your spouse is always going to take your side just because they live with you then you are sorely mistaken.  After all they were there first. They are the ones who raised this person to be the way they are and they will still be there long after your gone – who do you think they want to piss off, the people who will be providing their inheritance someday or you, who may not even be there by then.

7. It’s a Good Thing to Get Away From Each Other

While you were dating there is a good chance you did a lot of things you did not want to do, went places you did not want to go and hung out with people you may not necessarily have liked all in the name of love and courtship.  Well your married now, you don’t have to do those things anymore.  And what I mean by that is that if there is somewhere your spouse wants to go, or something he wants to do and you don’t its ok for them to go alone or with someone else, you don’t have to do everything together – in fact its a great idea for you to have time away from each other once in while with friends and/or family or even alone.   Plan a girls/guys night out once every other month or more often, but please agree on how often, turn it into a weekend once in a while.  He may not want to go to a spa and you may not want to go fishing so let them go without you, don’t be jealous or suspicious if they don’t always want to be with you, it’s a good thing for your marriage.

8. A Healthy Sex Life is Important

Now that your married and the honeymoon is over you might start to fall into a routine, which may or may not include regular sex, especially if you have kids.  You go to work, come home, mow the lawn, shovel the walk, play with the kids, clean up the dishes, and on and on.  Now you’re tired and all you want to do is jump in bed and fall asleep ready to do it all again tomorrow.  But don’t forget the intimacy, whether its a quickie, full on drawn out lovemaking or just cuddling and letting the other person feel loved and wanted, it is very important not to ignore this part of your relationship.  I probably wouldn’t go so far as to have a “schedule” but don’t get to a point where its been so long you can’t remember at times, and ladies men do not always have to be the instigator – we are sexual beings too and need it just as much as they do.

9. That He Would Not Be Able to Fix Everything

Whenever something around my house broke I just assumed my husband would be able to fix it, I really don’t know why.  He was an engineer but not a plumber, not an electrician, not any sort of handyman in any sense of the word.  In fact he usually caused more damage while trying to fix the problem and we ended up having to call someone.  I assumed he could do anything and then got upset when he couldn’t.  This also went deeper, I assumed that whatever his flaws, whatever his problems, whatever my problems with him were, he could fix them.  He could not.  Just as with our home issues, after he tried to fix things himself and failed he needed to call in a professional. Unfortunately he did not like somebody else telling him what to do and trying to fix things he thought he should be able to fix himself. I’m not even 100% positive he even wanted to.  We all have our stuff, we need to be open to the reality that we can’t always fix everything ourselves.  All you can do is offer help but it is ultimately up to them to accept it.  He did not.

Would I still have gotten married if I had known all of these things? What do you think, would you?

My Divorce Coach International

 

 

 

 

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