Writing this blog lately has been sporadic at best. I made the decision earlier this year to throw myself full on into starting my divorce coaching practice and getting my book published. I was excited, I had a plan, I was ready to go…and then I wasn’t.
Just as I was about to embark full on into my venture my ex died, as I wrote about in my last post. I had no idea the affect it would have on me and how it would nearly stop me in my tracks. We were divorced for almost exactly three years at that point and did not have much of a relationship except for the need to care for our kids. I really thought that I was fully over him and ready to move on, however I could not seem to get myself there. It wasn’t until he passed that I came to the realization that my feelings for him had been holding me back. But not the feelings you might think. It was my anger and sense of betrayal that I could not let go of. I was angry that he had chosen alcohol over his family and I felt betrayed in that he had promised me he would always be there for me and take care of me, and that was true for most of our marriage. I relied on that to live a comfortable life free of want and the ability to work on my career as I saw fit and take care of our children as well. I was happy.
After he passed I now had a different anger that I needed to let go of, I was angry that he had died. I was furious that he could not seem to pull himself together to be a father to his children and that he put his drinking before anything else. I do realize that some of it he could not control as he had a very long family history with this disease, he just happen to lose his fight, or gave up the fight, at a young age. I had to reconcile myself with that and somehow continue on in the present while letting go of the past. It was not and is not an easy thing to do. I had been here before.
And now months later, both kids off to college, I am an empty nester and ready to get back on that horse, or at least I think I am. It has been awhile and I’m not 100% sure I am fully ready. I am nervous and afraid but realize that my past has truly and literally been put to rest and it is time for me to let it go, move on and be happy again. I can either continue to live there and be angry about what might have been and to some extent should have been or I can rustle myself up a new steed and hopefully ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after – for now. I think I’ll go with the latter.
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