That I Don’t Need a Man
I always thought for me to be happy and whole I needed a man in my life. For the most part up until my divorce I always had a boyfriend, most of them long term, and then my husband. I really didn’t think I could be alone. When the time finally came I was scared to death. I didn’t think I could do anything by myself. The only thing I was sure of was that I could take care of my kids – by myself, which is what ultimately ended up happening. I don’t know why I thought that, I don’t know why that was the only thing I was 100% sure about and oddly did not fear. But I soon found out that was all I could do.
I Am Smart
It wasn’t that I thought I was stupid, or that my husband made me feel that way, but there were plenty of times I felt that way. He had more years of college than I and was a whiz at math. Then my kids started surpassing me in that respect as well. I always felt slightly less than when I was around him. When he left I had to figure out everything for myself, finances, how to fix our sprinklers, put down flooring, fix the car and so many other things I usually left in his hands. I managed to teach myself all of this and more, I taught myself everything I needed to know and then some as well as how to find somebody for the things I didn’t.
I Am Strong
I wasn’t expecting things to turn out the way they did, in fact I wish they hadn’t. But I had to figure out how to take care of everything, and I mean everything myself. He was no longer even in the state. Anything and everything related to our kids – me. I was the last person who should have been teaching the kids how to drive, but I did because it was either that or fork over $600 for driving school – whatever happened to drivers ed by the way? Yes, there were a few death defying lessons and plenty of crying but we managed to get there. I found a job to support us when he lost his and still managed to be present for everything kid related. I kept a roof over our heads, food in our mouths and even managed to get a vacation in here and there, usually a trip to Iowa to see our family, but I did it. I got my kids from elementary school to college by myself and I couldn’t tell you how.
I Am Lonely
I have had to put all of my energy into keeping things in my house going, at the expense of any social life I might have had. I still tried to golf with my friends and meet up for happy hour here and there but dating just wasn’t in the cards. Now that my youngest has one foot out the door I realize how much I miss having another person in the house. I miss the warm body snoring next to me in bed, I miss holding hands and kissing on the couch, I miss just having someone to talk to. I am at an odd age where most guys my age still look young and handsome enough to be able to date 20 or 30 somethings, and most do, but I am not quite ready for the 60+ crowd either. So I guess I will just have to get used to it for a while longer.
It Gets Easier
As you journey through the process of divorce, all the anger, bitterness, sadness, you go through the stages of grief and process each and everyone of them in your own time, and then your done. This may take years, some more than others. Once you have gotten through the worst of it it only gets easier from there. Sure if you have kids it may take longer than someone who doesn’t have that connection or has grown kids, but you still get there. Every day gets a little easier and you start experiencing more joy than sadness. You just have to let yourself get there. You have to begin to let go of the past so you can start to embrace the future.
And remember, you never have to walk this path alone.